Sensual Harassments (Excerpts)

Summary:

Being single long after twenties begets curious questions like “Is my sexual life normally functioning?” “Am I normal?”  “Am I destined to celibacy?” etc.

Simon is harassed in his flesh and his sensuality is a mystery to himself. As he wants to take advantage of a situation and bring his intimate life to open questioning, he is halted by an unsuspected secret of his friend and colleague. He discovers that he on whom he wanted to rely for advice is the hostage of a dramatic libido.

The Story

I had just spotted an adult channel. The perceived image disturbed me and I turned off the TV. The picture I zapped was that of a man slipping a condom over his verge. What was he going to do? This is what my subconscious refused to see.

My first contact with this object took place at University. I was then a professional student in B.A Philosophy.

simon is offered a condom

A younger classmate member of the “Awakening Club” offered me one. I refused discreetly, with fear that she might ask more questions. Their distribution of condoms protectors was done in the context of the fight against AIDS and STIs among students. She insisted but I persisted in my refusal.

His insistence was for me cause of great embarrassment however. How could I tell a beautiful girl who admires you that you are still a virgin at that age? At 20, many students live in couple as sexual partners. We were in 2009 and I was above thirty!

All in the classroom knew I was a Christian because I would miss no opportunity to tell them about Jesus Christ. I would encourage them as much as possible to turn from sin and to entrust their lives to the Lord Jesus who can best lead one’s life.

To this date, I still wonder why she offered me the sensual plastic because many times, even being not Christian, Muslim comrades well praised Christians’ chastity and would not fail to reproach some of us who would indulge in fornication. “How is it that you Christian behave like that? I know Christians who do not do the wrong things you are doing,” we could hear them reproach.

Did she test me or was her gift sincere. She certainly embarrassed me because we were close friends and she had heard enough of Christ. Perhaps did she want to introduce a talk about sex? I can’t say. We are separated since that academic year and only God knows where in the world she may be.

Sleeping-time was approaching. It was almost 10.30 P.M. and I usually took a cold bath before bed. The refresh usually assured me a quick dive into sleep.

I closed my door and entered the bathroom. My clothing removed, my thoughts plunged into the life of my married friends.

“They might be getting ready for a night of intimate share. Their wives will be listening and giving appropriate advice; they will be handing them their due and they certainly will be in better shape tomorrow morning…” I began to resent my celibate condition and my solitude. I thought of my prayers and of how often I had been fasting to meet my love-mate. “How longer should I wait?”

The image of my body in the mirror brought me back to the condom. What if I had taken it? I would have tried it; at least to sense the feelings of those who wear it! But what would my friends had thought? They knew that I respect the Lord and would never engage into debauchery. If I had taken it, at least would I have had a close up appreciation! In fact, do married Christians use condoms? That’s a question! So what would a pastor advise about condom?

One thing is certain; fornication is contrary to Christian doctrine and adultery likewise. But wouldn’t this plastic be helpful to couples? Without my consent, my member went strong and rocky. I instantly assessed all my relationships with sisters in Christ (Christian girls) and settled my account: I was not even close to being engaged. No sister listed in a friendship that may possibly lead to engagement! “Lord, I am a man in good-health. What do you say after those who ridicule my celibacy?”

Obnoxious souvenir! Oh my God!

This happened when I was studying marketing in 2001. A classmate, after hearing me discourage fornication, mocked us saying:

“Is there any adult who doesn’t fuck?” (Fuck in its context meant who doesn’t have sex intercourse)?

To what my friend and classmate replied:

“Simon is a good Christian; he doesn’t do these things…”

The comrade replied:

“But how does he manage his virile foot?”

My interlocutor, to annoy me or annoyed by the question answered:

“He sleeps with his safety belt fastened.”

This memory of derision shocked me and my body recovered at it. I quickly took my bath and went to bed. Once again, I assessed some other mockeries which were regular. It was unwise to go far. Insults trash was full and probing inside could plunge me into self-pity. “The Lord is certainly aware of my need for marriage; he knows that I am of age.” I felt comforted at the thought.

So I lay down the bed, voluntary to sleep promptly as usual. It was indeed rare that I do more than five minutes in the bed before finding sleep. That night was different. After more than 30 minutes, sleep didn’t come. In a few such occasions, the reading of the Word of God is for me the medicine immediately effective.

I got up and opened the Word of God. I fell on verses 1 to 8 of the 7th chapter of the first Epistle of Paul to the Corinthians (KJV Version). The text said:

{7:1} Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman.

{7:2} Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

{7:3} Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. {7:4} The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. {7:5} Defraud ye not one the other, except [it be] with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

{7:6} But I speak this by permission, [and] not of commandment. {7:7} For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

{7:8} I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. {7:9} But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

The soporific effect missed the rendezvous. My thought exerted a selective understanding and only verses 1 and 8 resounded repeatedly in my mind. Deductions succeeded one after another. “If at 37 I’m not yet married, perhaps is it that God wants me to remain single like Apostle Paul!” “If all my attempts to betroth have failed so far, perhaps is it an invitation from God to stay single?” “Oh Lord! I feel so humiliated! As for the derided single that I am, I’m ashamed every time I am asked if I’m married, either in official applications or in the social. If I really had the gift of celibacy, would I be ashamed?

“Certainly no; because I would see it as a blessing. Since I can’t stand bearing my status of single, I therefore cannot pretend having that gift! And besides the malaise, I rather long for what the couples live in their intimacy. Isn’t my shame translating the embarrassment of not having sex like any normal adult man? No, I don’t think I have the gift of celibacy; otherwise I wouldn’t sigh so frequently for carnal pleasures.

“Almost 20 years I have been fasting regularly to triumph over my flesh demands! I must zap from channel to channel when watching TV, because even African dances remind me that I’m old enough to be accompanied. No. Surely no; I do not have the gift of celibacy.

“What if the call to chastity preceded human decision?

“If God calls to chastity before He equips the called, this would mean that the recognition of my condition of ‘called’ would suffice. Supported by such perception, I would admit that God has made me eunuch for the kingdom of God. So what? Has God called me to celibacy, I know nothing about and I cannot pretend. I need not lie, such conviction is nowhere in my mind and sensual claims are present and even frequent in my members! I’m rather convinced that the one who is granted such favor will not aspire to sensual things, this is my own opinion that he who is called to remain chaste will have no burning desires for sexual delights. I have no conviction of being called to chastity.

“At least three times this month have I been confounded by my sexual arousal! I love the Lord sincerely, but I know I am attracted to sexual pleasure. If it were not so, I would have known. Apostle Paul apparently did not suffer the pressure of his organs; otherwise he would not have advised that it is preferable to remain single like him. Perhaps was he granted a special gift and could subdue his passions every time? Perhaps did he use special art to distract his impulses as proposed by Descartes in his Discourse on the control of passions!

“After all, I’m not Paul and Jesus handles specific case with singular care. Comparison is not reason. Catholic priests may have some self-control secrets I do not know! If only I could get some advice from one of them! For example, I want to know if their members are used to rebelling for hours like mine; and also want to know if they often tell Jesus of their need to sleep in the arms of a willing bride. They won’t dare; they have made a vow. I have not done any; and for years, I have been trying to get married. Perhaps after making a vow will my body subdue more easily?”

The idea of making a vow disappeared immediately.

“I’m Simon; I am different from Apostle Paul, different from the Catholic priest, even different from the Tibetan monk. Their celibacy is consistent with the exigencies of their service. For the last two, they must be single to be what they are. They are asked to vow celibacy to be accepted into seminary or monastery. Concerning Apostle Paul, the mission concerns were great to the point that it was difficult for him to contract a spouse or else, he wouldn’t have said somewhere in his letter: ‘Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas?’ As for me then, asking such question mean that Apostle Paul would have gotten marry if only appropriate conditions had allowed it.

“Finally, it is obvious to admit that the virility of the apostle was intact and that the grace of God was especially at work in his life, giving him special means to live like a eunuch, just for the sake of the kingdom of God. So what? Isn’t my case different? I am not Paul.”

End of the excerpt

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